[Vision2020] The Real Romney

[Joe Campbell]

Thanks! Very funny. Joe

On Tue, Aug 28, 2012 at 10:28 AM, Ron Force <rforce2003 at yahoo.com> wrote:
> From the New York Times:
> August 27, 2012
>
> The Real Romney
>
> By DAVID BROOKS
>
> The purpose of the Republican convention is to introduce America to the real
> Mitt Romney. Fortunately, I have spent hours researching this subject. I can
> provide you with the definitive biography and a unique look into the Byronic
> soul of the Republican nominee:
> Mitt Romney was born on March 12, 1947, in Ohio, Florida, Michigan, Virginia
> and several other swing states. He emerged, hair first, believing in
> America, and especially its national parks. He was given the name Mitt,
> after the Roman god of mutual funds, and launched into the world with the
> lofty expectation that he would someday become the Arrow shirt man.
> Romney was a precocious and gifted child. He uttered his first words (“I
> like to fire people”) at age 14 months, made his first gaffe at 15 months
> and purchased his first nursery school at 24 months. The school, highly
> leveraged, went under, but Romney made 24 million Jujubes on the deal.
> Mitt grew up in a modest family. His father had an auto body shop called the
> American Motors Corporation, and his mother owned a small piece of land,
> Brazil. He had several boyhood friends, many of whom owned Nascar
> franchises, and excelled at school, where his fourth-grade project,
> “Inspiring Actuaries I Have Known,” was widely admired.
> The Romneys had a special family tradition. The most cherished member got to
> spend road trips on the roof of the car. Mitt spent many happy hours up
> there, applying face lotion to combat windburn.
> The teenage years were more turbulent. He was sent to a private school,
> where he was saddened to find there are people in America who summer where
> they winter. He developed a lifelong concern for the second homeless, and
> organized bake sales with proceeds going to the moderately rich.
> Some people say he retreated into himself during these years. He had a pet
> rock, which ran away from home because it was starved of affection. He
> bought a mood ring, but it remained permanently transparent. His ability to
> turn wine into water detracted from his popularity at parties.
> There was, frankly, a period of wandering. After hearing Lou Reed’s “Walk on
> the Wild Side,” Romney decided to leave Mormonism and become Amish. He left
> the Amish faith because of its ban on hair product, and bounced around
> before settling back in college. There, he majored in music, rendering
> Mozart’s entire oeuvre in PowerPoint.
> His love affair with Ann Davies, the most impressive part of his life,
> restored his equilibrium. Always respectful, Mitt and Ann decided to elope
> with their parents. They went on a trip to Israel, where they tried and
> failed to introduce the concept of reticence. Romney also went on a mission
> to France. He spent two years knocking on doors, failing to win a single
> convert. This was a feat he would replicate during his 2008 presidential
> bid.
> After his mission, he attended Harvard, studying business, law, classics and
> philosophy, though intellectually his first love was always tax avoidance.
> After Harvard, he took his jawline to Bain Consulting, a firm with very
> smart people with excessive personal hygiene. While at Bain, he helped
> rescue many outstanding companies, like Pan Am, Eastern Airlines, Atari and
> DeLorean.
> Romney was extremely detail oriented in his business life. He once canceled
> a corporate retreat at which Abba had been hired to play, saying he found
> the band’s music “too angry.”
> Romney is also a passionately devoted family man. After streamlining his
> wife’s pregnancies down to six months each, Mitt helped Ann raise five
> perfect sons — Bip, Chip, Rip, Skip and Dip — who married identically tanned
> wives. Some have said that Romney’s lifestyle is overly privileged, pointing
> to the fact that he has an elevator for his cars in the garage of his San
> Diego home. This is not entirely fair. Romney owns many homes without garage
> elevators and the cars have to take the stairs.
> After a successful stint at Bain, Romney was lured away to run the Winter
> Olympics, the second most Caucasian institution on earth, after the G.O.P.
> He then decided to run for governor of Massachusetts. His campaign slogan,
> “Vote Romney: More Impressive Than You’ll Ever Be,” was not a hit, but
> Romney won the race anyway on an environmental platform, promising to make
> the state safe for steeplechase.
> After his governorship, Romney suffered through a midlife crisis, during
> which he became a social conservative. This prepared the way for his
> presidential run. He barely won the 2012 Republican primaries after a
> grueling nine-month campaign, running unopposed. At the convention, where
> his Secret Service nickname is Mannequin, Romney will talk about his
> real-life record: successful business leader, superb family man, effective
> governor, devoted community leader and prudent decision-maker. If elected,
> he promises to bring all Americans together and make them feel inferior.
>
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