[Vision2020] Christmas Puns

[Tom Hansen]

A guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his 
mouth.  After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That 
plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely 
corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" 

"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some 
asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce 
she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted 
anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on 
everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"

"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with 
lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought 
I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the 
Hollandaise!"

-----------------------

The remaining local ranchers, headed by the cattle baroness Clare D. 
Looney, eventually monopolized the stock business to the point where the 
only competition (two Chinese immigrants - Lu Chim and Wu Ni) were forced 
to take drastic, but traditional action.

The stock kings were hung by Chim & Ni, with Clare.

-----------------------

It was Chanukah and the Tiny Village was in fear of not having any latkes 
because they had run out of flour. Rudi, the Rabbi, was called upon to 
help solve the problem.

He said, "Don't worry. You can substitute matzo meal for the flour and 
latkes will be just as delicious!"

Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Morty... you think it'll work?"

"Of course! As everybody knows, Rudolph, the Reb, knows grain, dear!"

-----------------------

Janet was traveling to Vancouver on business. Knowing how the winter 
weather is in Vancouver, and lacking the proper clothing, she went to a 
local outdoor shop to buy inclement weather clothing. 

Not finding what she was looking for at several stores, a salesman finally 
suggested that she go to Rudolph's.

"Rudolph's?" Janet said. "Do you mean the Russian specialty store?"

To which the salesman answered, "Rudolph the Red knows rain gear."

-----------------------

Along with the three wise men, the shepherds, and the others who showed up 
at the manger, there was also a fellow on a white charger, wearing a suit 
of armor. But he didn't have as good a publicity agent as those other 
guys, so he never got as famous as the others. 

In fact, only Christmas song celebrates his part in the proceedings, "O 
Holy Knight."

-----------------------

While Christmas shopping at a local toy store, Barry came across a long 
line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As he 
scanned the line, he noticed his friend, Wally, waiting with all the 
others.

Knowing that Wally had no daughters or young relatives, Barry figured that 
Wally must like the dolls himself.

"Wally, I didn't know you were a collector!"

"I'm not," Wally replied.

"Then why are you standing in this long line?"

"Well, I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"

-----------------------

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very 
quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they 
are there. 

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a 
very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer. 
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. 
It happened again, only louder this time, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"  
Dogs in the neighbourhood began to bark. 

"Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!" 

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard 
it again, only a lot louder this time, "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!"

Lights came on all over the neighbourhood, and some people even stuck 
their heads out of their windows. 

Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back 
to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not 
going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny 
noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!"

None of the reindeer stepped forward.  Santa held up a piece of paper.

"I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want 
to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."

Still none of the reindeer came forward.

So Santa did the only thing he could do...

He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...

-----------------------

One Christmas, Dan and Stan built a skating rink in the middle of a 
pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across 
the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross 
it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Dan to Stan. "That guy is trying to pull the wool 
over our ice!"

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho
 
"For a lapse Lutheran born-again Buddhist pan-Humanist Universalist 
Unitarian Wiccan Agnostic like myself there's really no reason ever to go 
to work."

- Roy Zimmerman


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