[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real time With Bill Maher" (March 16, 2007)

[Tom Hansen]

New Rules from "Real time With Bill Maher" (March 16, 2007)

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New Rule: Don't worry about your kids getting fatter, just because
McDonald's is trying to move them from the Quarter-Pounder to a new
One-Third-Pounder. It won't work. They're American kids. They don't know a
third is bigger than a quarter. 

New Rule: Khalid Shaikh Mohammed must get a new head shot. Dude, I don't
care how long your resume is; with this photo, [photo shown of Mohammed]
you'll be lucky to get a gig blowing up a dinner theater. Look at you.
You're like the Arab Nick Nolte. You look like Ron Jeremy with a hangover!
You think you were tortured before? Wait until we start waxing off that
chest hair! And, by the way, "Shaikh" -there's nothing chic about that
outfit. That shirt doesn't say "Death to America." It says, "Flashdance,
What a Feeling." I can't believe we have the same agent. 

New Rule: Star Jones must put the weight back on. Girlfriend, before, you
had gravitas and presence. Now you look like one of the chicks Flava-Flav
sends home. I want my old Star back! The one that said, "Talk to the hand,"
and the hand had powdered sugar on it.

And finally, New Rule: Liberals must stop saying President Bush hasn't asked
Americans to sacrifice for the war on terror. On the contrary, he's asked us
to sacrifice something enormous. Our civil rights. 

Now, when I heard George Bush was reading my emails, I probably had the same
reaction you did: George Bush can read?! Yes, he can. And this
administration has read your phone records, credit card statements, mail,
Internet logs. I can't tell if they're fighting a war on terror or producing
the next season of "Cheaters." I mail myself a copy of the Constitution
every morning just on the hope they'll open it and see what it says. 

So -so when it comes to sacrifice, don't kid yourself. You have given up a
lot. You've given up faith in your government's honesty, the goodwill of
people overseas, and six-tenths of the Bill of Rights. Here's what you've
sacrificed: search and seizure, warrants, self-incrimination, trial by jury,
cruel and unusual punishment. Here's what you have left: hand guns,
religion, and they can't make you quarter a British soldier. If Prince Harry
invades the Inland Empire, he has to bring a tent. 

You know, in previous wars on the home front made a very different kind of
sacrifice. During World War II, we endured rationing, paid higher taxes,
bought war bonds, and in the interest of national unity, people even
pretended Bob Hope was funny. Right, like you laughed at him. 

Okay, women, donated their silk undergarments so they could be sewn into
parachutes. Can you imagine nowadays a Britney Spears or a Lindsay Lohan
going without underwear? Bad example. 

But, look, George Bush has never been too bright about understanding
"fereigners." But he does know Americans. He asked this generation to
sacrifice the things he knew we would not miss: our privacy and our
morality. He let us keep the money. But he made a cynical bet that we
wouldn't much care if we became a "Big Brother" country that has now
tortured a lot of random people. 

And yet no one asks the tough questions like, "Is torture necessary?" "Who
will watch the watchers?" "And when does Jack Bauer go to the bathroom?" I
mean, it's been five years. Is he wearing one of those astronaut diapers? 

In conclusion, after 9/11, President Bush told us Osama bin Laden could run
but he couldn't hide. But, then he ran and hid. So, Bush went to Plan B:
pissing on the Constitution and torturing random people. 

Conservatives always say the great thing Reagan did was make us feel good
about America again. Well, do you feel good about America now? I'll give you
my answer, and to get it out of me, you don't even have to hold my head
underwater and have a snarling guard dog rip my nuts off. No, I don't feel
very good about that.

They say evil happens when good men do nothing. Well, the Democrats prove it
also happens when mediocre people do nothing.

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"As more and more heathens 'choose' to not have children the number of Godly
souls will increase. If the number of Christian births out number the number
of Islamic births the battle will be over in 3 or 4 generations."

- Doug "No-Clue" Farris (March 10, 2007)