[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time" with Bill Maher (February 18, 2005)

[Tom Hansen]

>From last Friday's (February 18, 2005) "Real Time" with Bill Maher (8:00 PM,
HBO)

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It is time for New Rules. 

New Rule: There's no explaining love. If Charles and Camilla prove one
thing, it's that she must be the greatest lay in history. 

ROBIN WILLIAMS: [putting finger puppet up to Bill's ear] "I love you." 

MAHER: Love is inexplicable, so let's not put any laws about marriage in our
Constitution. 

New Rule: You can't put any more types of meat on a bacon-cheeseburger. 

WILLIAMS: It's a barnyard reunion! 

MAHER: Once you've made it a bacon-cheeseburger, you're done. If you're
adding more than that, you have to opt out of Medicare. 

WILLIAMS: "I've ate the food chain! Whoo!" 

MAHER: New Rule: Let's make at least every second American movie not based
on a comic book. How many of you knew that Oscar favorite "Sideways" was
actually based on a comic book called "The Tedious Adventures of Drunk Man
and Horny"? If we keep making superhero movies, the rest of the world is
going to start seeing America as some kind of infantile fantasyland where
reality is whatever we say it is, and all our problems can be solved with
violence. 

New Rule: Valentine's Day sex is an urban legend. Every Valentine's Day ad
is the same pitch: buy her the roses and candy and you'll get the
Valentine's Day sex. Well, unfortunately, over time, is just like the roses
and the candy - wilting and growing stale. The last time a guy actually got
sex for chocolate was when we liberated France. 

WILLIAMS: "Oh, you Hershey bastard!" 

MAHER: And finally, New Rule: Leave the children behind! At least, that is,
until they learn something. A new survey finds that only half of America's
high schoolers think newspapers should be allowed to publish without
government approval. And almost one in five said Americans should be
prohibited from expressing unpopular opinions. Hey, let me tell you little
darlings something: this is my livelihood you're screwing with now! So
either learn the Bill of Rights, or you don't deserve Social Security. 

Now, to those of you who think I am over-reacting, yes, I understand that
being in high school is still very young, and no one really cares what kids
say anyway. It's not like priests are dating them for their brains. 

WILLIAMS: "The Pope's on Line 2." 

MAHER: But the younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine,
not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who
question authority. And what is so frightening here is that we are seeing
the beginnings of the first post-9/11 generation, kids who first became
aware of the news under an "Americans need to watch what they say"
administration, kids who've been told that dissent is un-American, and
therefore justifiably punished by fine, imprisonment or loss of your show on
ABC. 

WILLIAMS: I remember, Bill. Let it go, baby! Let it go, Bill!! Hey, listen,
Eisner's goin' soon, you can go back!! Even Mickey is goin', "I gotta get
him out of there! Come on!" 

MAHER: President Bush --President Bush once asked, "Is our children
learning?" He did. He did. [Williams sings patriotic background tune] "No,
they isn't!" And so a more appropriate question might be, "Is our teachers
teaching?" In four years, you can teach a gorilla sign language. Is it too
much to ask that in the same amount of time a teenager in America-[Williams
does sign language] -is taught what those crazy hippies who founded this
country really had in mind? 

Now, I know the "morals and values" folks want us to take time out of the
school day for prayer and the Ten Commandments and abstinence training, and
to learn at least two theories of evolution--the one agreed upon by every
scientist in the world, and the one that involves naked ladies and snakes. 

But lest we forget, last month, the people of Iraq risked death and danger
to send a simple inspiring message: "America get out of our country!" "But
also, that we want the freedoms that you Americans take for granted." 

Now, I didn't mind being on the losing side of the last election, but as a
loser, I guess I have some unpopular opinions. And I'd like to keep them.
I'd even like to say them right out loud on TV. Because if I just sit here
every Friday night and spout Bush Administration-approved talking points,
that is not freedom or entertainment. It's Fox News! 

That's our show! I want to thank our great line-up: Lesley Stahl, Don
Cheadle, Senator Joe Biden, Secretary Tommy Thompson and Robin Williams.
Thank you, folks. [Williams continues to do impression of Hitler, then
morphs into Khruschev, pounding shoe on table.]