[Vision2020] Re: Well, It ain't plumbing

[David M. Budge]

Listen Joan, it's too late for you to give me a kitchen pass.  I spent 
the whole afternoon with a scissors, a razor and brand new bottle of 
extra-strengh depilatory.  You've enlightened me and, God knows, the 
world is safer for both formal and casual dining.

Thanks for the courage,

Dave

ps.  I never met a "sarcastic and rude ad hominem attack I didn't like.  
Keep up the good work.

Joan Opyr wrote:

> Dave opines:
>  
> "Between the nose hair, ear hair and eyebrows that compete with Andy 
> Rooney's (all of which increase at an increasing rate in a compounding 
> logarithmic scale directly proportional to my age) I'll now be forced 
> to purchase cheesy hair trimming devices only found on QTV or late 
> night commercials to protect the sensibilities of your ilk as well as 
> my new found vanity."
>  
> Not "forced to," Dave.  Remember, I have no enforcement power.  I can 
> only politely request that you trim your eyebrows (if it's any 
> comfort, my own resemble the late Leonid Brezhnev's and are just 
> barely kept in check by the repeated and painful application of 
> tweezers), your nose-hairs, your ear-hairs, and any other hirsute 
> evidence of your raging hormones that might interfere with my 
> enjoyment of my mixed salad greens should I catch sight of you in one 
> of Moscow's fine dining establishments.  And, even still, you have a 
> couple of options for preserving your vanity other than QVC: you 
> can shave, trim, or weed-whack those offensive follicles on the off 
> chance that I might be hanging about waiting to pounce upon you 
> with my sarcastic and rude ad hominem attacks, OR you could avoid 
> those establishments that serve salad. 
>  
> You will be safe from hair and/or sartorial critiques in the following 
> Moscow restaurants:
>  
> 1) Ted's Burgers (where they wouldn't know a salad green if they were 
> attacked by Tryffids);
> 2) The Slurp & Burp (gizzards, as far as I know, only count as a 
> vegetable in the South); and
> 3) Taco Time (once it's been mixed with frijoles and deep-fried in 
> liquid lard, it doesn't matter what it used to be, it's no longer a 
> vegetable; it's a future car payment on a cardiologist's Mercedes).
>  
> Re: Saundra's complaint about butt-cracks, I think we should ask 
> Jennifer McFarland why the sheriff's department is not issuing 
> citations.  Jennifer?  I'd also like to point out that it is illegal 
> to spit on city streets, and yet I see people doing it all the 
> time.  As this public expectoration nauseates me, would I be justified 
> in performing a citizen's arrest?  Or, alternatively, just flat out 
> shooting the spitter?
>  
> And while we're at it, what's the legal status of that other dreadful 
> Moscow habit, the so-called "Idaho blow?"  This involves closing off 
> one nostril with a fingertip and emptying the other with great force 
> into the nearest trashcan, gutter, open-topped convertible, etc.  
> Kleenex, people, Kleenex.  You can buy it for a dollar a box. 
>  
> In the words of the late, great Roseanne Roseannadanna, "You're making 
> me sick!"    
>  
> Joan Opyr/Auntie Establishment
> www.auntie-establishment.com <http://www.auntie-establishment.com>
>  
> PS: Sure, I'll be your editor Dave.  Twenty bucks an hour, but you 
> have to prove to me that you possess both nose-hair clippers and an 
> adequate supply of monogrammed hankies.  Also, you must swear that you 
> only use social security time limes in your gin & tonics; social 
> security time lemons are so declasse. 
>
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