[Vision2020] joan's pathetic phallacy

[Kyle DeSpinauer]

joan, Joan, JOAN!  could you settle down long enough for me to get your 
attention?  please, hold steady for just a sec.  i am not wilson, and i 
don't care to repeat it again.  so tell captain kirk that she can quit 
pretending that i am.  i know it suits your fancy, and you really wish it 
were so, but it just ain't true sweetie.

i knew it was coming.  i just didn't think it would be this quick.  i now 
hold the record.  edna's been swept to a distant second.

the sequence is very predictable.  first comes the comparisons to the 
undesireables in the animal kingdom.  it took less than 24 hours for ms. 
smoucha to promote me from cockroach to pig.  wooo hooo hoo.  and then comes 
joan "swarthy winds" opyr, with her tired allegories from the end stretch of 
the alimentary canal, whether of man or beast.  joan, only guys are supposed 
to snicker at all things to do with farts, feces, fumy fulminations, etc.  
(next time i hear a booming sound while driving to troy, i'll know who's in 
the bathtub).

but i never imagined it would take so little time to arrive at the grand 
prize of, masturbation - surprise!  it took edna a lot longer than me to be 
reckoned with such self-love.  onan the barbarian, eh?  sounds like a 
serious case of venus envy to me.

i fear that i too share the fate of edna.  in short order.


>From: "Joan Opyr" <auntiestablishment@hotmail.com>
>To: vision2020@moscow.com
>Subject: [Vision2020] Help for our own Pee Wee Herman
>Date: Sun, 07 Mar 2004 14:55:13 -0800
>
>Dear Regional Enquirer:
>
>I took your advice about refilling my prescriptions, and the effect has 
>been so salutary that I've decided to share my scrips with other Vision 
>2020 readers:
>
>1) All email programs have a block sender feature, AKA a Bozo filter.  With 
>his big red nose, large clumsy feet, and mouth like the clown horn on a 
>Shrine Circus car, it's clear to me that Mr. Enquirer would be happier if 
>he were repatriated to the land of his birth, Internet Palookaville.  I'm 
>sure Edna Wilmington will be there ready to greet him with a pie in the 
>face, a steady supply of banana peels, and that old moron favorite, the joy 
>buzzer.
>
>2) This prescription is for Mr. Enquirer himself.  You are not writing; you 
>are typing.  The former requires thought; the latter requires fingers.  As 
>you seem to have trouble grasping this distinction, I suggest that you try 
>the following exercise -- put both hands on the keyboard.  Now type.  Use 
>the space bar and the shift key.  Feel the blood leaving your lower abdomen 
>and rushing up to your head.  Isn't that nice?  No doubt you will miss the 
>tender ministrations of Old Mother Palmer and her five lovely daughters, 
>stroking your ego while you type one-handed, but I think we can agree that 
>it's never a good idea to let Mr. Onan do our thinking for us.  He just 
>doesn't have the resources.
>
>This does, however, suggest another use for Edna's joy buzzer . . .
>
>Joan Opyr/Auntie Establishment
>
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