[Vision2020] Repost: Local Screenplay About Doug Wilson

[Douglas Stambler]

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"Darth Wilson Strikes Back"
screenplay by Douglas Stambler
 
 
(theme music: Darth Wilson's March - also known as the theme from Cheers) 
 
Darth Wilson: Are the 19 year old young men ready yet? 
 
Herr Kimmell: Not yet, sir! Still in the indoctrination stage of their mind programming. 
 
Darth Wilson: Did you show them the film, Clockwork Orange yet? 
 
Herr Kimmell: Yes, sir. And we flashed them pictures of you drinking beer, too, sir - right in the middle of the film. 
 
Darth Wilson: (evil laugh) Mooo-ha-ha!! I will have their souls yet, AND their tuition money! 
 
Herr Kimmell: Vera White called, sir, she says she'd like an interview for her column. 
 
Darth Wilson: (confused) Did you tell her that I never grant interviews to women, homosexuals or them African types? 
 
Herr Kimmell: (scared) Yes, sir, but she insisted. She said that she just has to see your 
beard in person. 
 
Darth Wilson: SHE SHALL HAVE MY BEARD, AND EAT IT, TOO!! 

Herr Kimmell: (rubbing his hands, counting the change in his khaki slacks) Yes, sir, yes! I think I have enough here to call her on the phone. 
 
Darth Wilson: Have her wait for me in the beer hall: She WILL submit to the elders of my church, my wonderful, all-powerful, empty-headed church!! 
 
Herr Kimmell: (voice like a rat) Yeeessss, ssiirrr! Yess. She will be like Swiss Cheese for us, and the congregation will make a sandwich of her! 
 
Darth Wilson: You're an idiot, Kimmell! Get out of my face. (breathes forcefully through his big, black helmet) I will be king of Moscow, I will be king of Moscow, I will be king of Moscow! (pounds his fist into his other hand) I WILL BE CHIEF MOOSE OF THE PALOUSE!! AH AHAHA HAAHAHHHHH!!!!! 
 
**************************************************** 
(meanwhile, at the Moscow Food Co-op) 
 
Garret Skywoosie: (in a kid's voice) If we just attach the antenna to the dumpster behind the food co-op, I think we can get Radio Free Moscow up and running in no time. 
 
Boob Hoffman: Did you cash that check for 45 cents that Tom Hansen donated for the cause? 
 
Garret Skywoosie: Oh, crud! I must have washed that check with my hipster jeans. It's gone, Boob, all gone. 
 
Boob Hoffman: All right, then, we'll just have to make do with these clothing hangers I stole from Ecclectica. 
 
Garret Skywoosie: Sounds like a plan, man. Say, do you think that Peter Basoa will ever run a radio station again? 
 
Boob Hoffman: Not if I can help it. If those strokes didn't finish him off, then we'll just confiscate his Fedora hat and sell it for auction at the Food Co-op to raise money for Kendra's Eyelash Transplant. 
 
Garret Skywoosie: Oh, praise the gods. She'll finally have a decent pair of eyelashes to wear in the store. 
 
Boob Hoffman: Come on, we need to get back to the van, so that we can begin transmitting. 
 
Garret Skywoosie: (philosophically) But I am an atheist! How can I praise the gods? Oh, never mind. (scurries off) 
 
***************************************************** 
(inside Darth Wilson's beer hall) 
 
Vera White: And you promise never to throw eggs at my house again? 
 
Darth Wilson: I promise. Okay, so now we go after Stambler. 
 
Vera White: Right. The guy is totally a nuisance. Why, I tried being nice to him once (starts sobbing)...and, and... 
 
Darth Wilson: Yes? (sentimentally) What, Vera, what, talk to Darth "Papa Calvin" Wilson. 
 
Vera White: Well, he freakin' rejected me, like a cheap ho. 
 
Darth Wilson: But Vera... 
 
Vera White: Yes, I know what I am! Yes, I know what I've done, but NOBODY REJECTS ME, NOBODY!! I will have that boy's ponytail, and I will play pin the tail on the donkey with it! 
 
Darth Wilson: Uh, Vera? 
 
Vera White: Yes, Darth? 
 
Darth Wilson: I already have Dale Courtney taking care of that. He applied for a federal grant last year for surveillance equipment to keep an eye on our beloved "lunatic prophet," and he should have his ponytail any day now. (Dale Courtney enters with AK-47 firmly in his butt) 
 
Dale: Sir. 
 
Darth Wilson: What is it, Courtney? Can't you see that I am showing Vera White my beard? Anyway, sit down with us, have a beer. 
 
Dale: But sir... 
 
Darth Wilson: What is it, Courtney? 
 
Dale: Reports are that the brainwashing on Mayor CONstock didn't take, and that he has joined Stambler and the other revolutionaries at Friendship Square. 
 
Darth Wilson: (pounds the long, beer hall table) BUT!! We have to stop them. No one takes back Friendship Square. I have a secret camera mounted to take pictures of all the lovely young men who come by, so that I might quote Scripture to them and boggle their minds in my private study at a later time! We must hurry. (Dale, Vera and Darth Wilson exit hastily) 
*********************************************** 




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<P>"Darth Wilson Strikes Back"<BR>screenplay by Douglas Stambler<BR> <BR> <BR>(theme music: Darth Wilson's March - also known as the theme from Cheers) <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: Are the 19 year old young men ready yet? <BR> <BR>Herr Kimmell: Not yet, sir! Still in the indoctrination stage of their mind programming. <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: Did you show them the film, Clockwork Orange yet? <BR> <BR>Herr Kimmell: Yes, sir. And we flashed them pictures of you drinking beer, too, sir - right in the middle of the film. <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: (evil laugh) Mooo-ha-ha!! I will have their souls yet, AND their tuition money! <BR> <BR>Herr Kimmell: Vera White called, sir, she says she'd like an interview for her column. <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: (confused) Did you tell her that I never grant interviews to women, homosexuals or them African types? <BR> <BR>Herr Kimmell: (scared) Yes, sir, but she insisted. She said that she just has to see your <BR>beard in person. <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: SHE SH!
 ALL HAVE
 MY BEARD, AND EAT IT, TOO!! </P>
<P>Herr Kimmell: (rubbing his hands, counting the change in his khaki slacks) Yes, sir, yes! I think I have enough here to call her on the phone. <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: Have her wait for me in the beer hall: She WILL submit to the elders of my church, my wonderful, all-powerful, empty-headed church!! <BR> <BR>Herr Kimmell: (voice like a rat) Yeeessss, ssiirrr! Yess. She will be like Swiss Cheese for us, and the congregation will make a sandwich of her! <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: You're an idiot, Kimmell! Get out of my face. (breathes forcefully through his big, black helmet) I will be king of Moscow, I will be king of Moscow, I will be king of Moscow! (pounds his fist into his other hand) I WILL BE CHIEF MOOSE OF THE PALOUSE!! AH AHAHA HAAHAHHHHH!!!!! <BR> <BR>**************************************************** <BR>(meanwhile, at the Moscow Food Co-op) <BR> <BR>Garret Skywoosie: (in a kid's voice) If we just attach the antenna to the dumpster behind the food co-op, I think we c!
 an get
 Radio Free Moscow up and running in no time. <BR> <BR>Boob Hoffman: Did you cash that check for 45 cents that Tom Hansen donated for the cause? <BR> <BR>Garret Skywoosie: Oh, crud! I must have washed that check with my hipster jeans. It's gone, Boob, all gone. <BR> <BR>Boob Hoffman: All right, then, we'll just have to make do with these clothing hangers I stole from Ecclectica. <BR> <BR>Garret Skywoosie: Sounds like a plan, man. Say, do you think that Peter Basoa will ever run a radio station again? <BR> <BR>Boob Hoffman: Not if I can help it. If those strokes didn't finish him off, then we'll just confiscate his Fedora hat and sell it for auction at the Food Co-op to raise money for Kendra's Eyelash Transplant. <BR> <BR>Garret Skywoosie: Oh, praise the gods. She'll finally have a decent pair of eyelashes to wear in the store. <BR> <BR>Boob Hoffman: Come on, we need to get back to the van, so that we can begin transmitting. <BR> <BR>Garret Skywoosie: (philosophically) But I!
  am an
 atheist! How can I praise the gods? Oh, never mind. (scurries off) <BR> <BR>***************************************************** <BR>(inside Darth Wilson's beer hall) <BR> <BR>Vera White: And you promise never to throw eggs at my house again? <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: I promise. Okay, so now we go after Stambler. <BR> <BR>Vera White: Right. The guy is totally a nuisance. Why, I tried being nice to him once (starts sobbing)...and, and... <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: Yes? (sentimentally) What, Vera, what, talk to Darth "Papa Calvin" Wilson. <BR> <BR>Vera White: Well, he freakin' rejected me, like a cheap ho. <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: But Vera... <BR> <BR>Vera White: Yes, I know what I am! Yes, I know what I've done, but NOBODY REJECTS ME, NOBODY!! I will have that boy's ponytail, and I will play pin the tail on the donkey with it! <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: Uh, Vera? <BR> <BR>Vera White: Yes, Darth? <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: I already have Dale Courtney taking care of that. He applied for a fe!
 deral
 grant last year for surveillance equipment to keep an eye on our beloved "lunatic prophet," and he should have his ponytail any day now. (Dale Courtney enters with AK-47 firmly in his butt) <BR> <BR>Dale: Sir. <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: What is it, Courtney? Can't you see that I am showing Vera White my beard? Anyway, sit down with us, have a beer. <BR> <BR>Dale: But sir... <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: What is it, Courtney? <BR> <BR>Dale: Reports are that the brainwashing on Mayor CONstock didn't take, and that he has joined Stambler and the other revolutionaries at Friendship Square. <BR> <BR>Darth Wilson: (pounds the long, beer hall table) BUT!! We have to stop them. No one takes back Friendship Square. I have a secret camera mounted to take pictures of all the lovely young men who come by, so that I might quote Scripture to them and boggle their minds in my private study at a later time! We must hurry. (Dale, Vera and Darth Wilson exit hastily)
 <BR>*********************************************** <BR></P>
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